How to heal wounds caused by emotionally unavailable people

This is a very sensitive topic because so much hurt is associated with it.

Emotional unavailability happens when people don’t have access to their feelings and lack an emotional connection to themselves. They create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid true emotional intimacy.

It’s a theme or pattern I used to struggle with. I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men into my life, over and over again.

When I started to connect with my inner self I realised that I had contributed to this whole situation. When you lack self-love and self-acceptance no one else will love you or accept you as you are. What a bummer! I know. Your relationships reflect what you think about yourself.

As I began to love myself unconditionally, my outer world changed too. My last boyfriend didn’t fit into the pattern of emotional unavailability anymore. Yippee. Of course, there’s still inner work to do. It’s a process and unconditional self-love doesn’t happen overnight.

At some point on my healing journey I realised the origin and root cause of this pattern.

My dad.

Deep inside of me I had old wounds caused by his behaviour because he is an emotionally unavailable man. I know that he did the best he could do, but, nevertheless, it was the reason why I had been carrying emotional baggage through my entire childhood into my adult life.

The little girl inside of me had suffered by not feeling truly loved and accepted as she was. Hugging me and telling me that he loves me has been missing my whole life. Maybe he just expresses his love in a different way, in a more practical way, by installing cabinets in my flat or giving me a lift in his car.

When you have an emotionally unavailable parent or partner, know that they have their story of suffering too and still carry their emotional wounds around. But as a child I didn’t reflect on this like I do now and limiting beliefs were formed.

For many years, my unconscious thoughts about myself have been that I wasn’t lovable and that I wasn’t enough. By embarking on my healing journey these limiting beliefs then came into my consciousness and I have been able to release them and replace them with unlimited ones. This set me free.

The tools I have used to overcome my limiting beliefs were energy healing, yoga, meditation, writing, spending a lot of time alone and in nature.

That’s how I was able to connect within, with my true self that was WHOLE and ENOUGH all along. I didn’t try counselling or psychotherapy but maybe that would be a tool for you.

If you want to heal your wounds caused by emotionally unavailable people in your life, try different methods that allow you to connect with your TRUE SELF. Then you can recognise your own limiting beliefs, let go of them, and choose unlimited ones instead.

As my perception shifted and I realised that my dad was doing the best he could do, I also understood that he hadn’t left the victim role yet. There’s still this hurt little boy inside of him. So I can’t blame him for how he behaved in the past and still behaves today.

I tried to encourage or even push him to begin this path of self-knowledge and self-healing so that he could shift from being a victim to being a creator of his life by being grateful for all his experiences. Sadly, that’s not how it works.

You can’t force someone to start the journey of personal growth. All I could do was spending time with healing my own emotional wounds, releasing my limiting beliefs, and developing more and more compassion for him so that I didn’t get triggered and affected by his behaviour anymore. He was and is doing the best he can do and so do your family members, partners, or friends.

Heal and love yourself first and then you are able to accept and love others too.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself and others on your journey.

Be a lighthouse and let your inner light shine.


Ines Kirste

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